


Illicit Love

by ddelusionall



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, Escape, Eventual Happy Ending, Fake siblings, Falling In Love, Finding a new home, Forced Crossdressing, Gender Issues, Historical, Horseback Riding, I don't know how to tag this, Jaejoong is forced to act like a girl by Yunho's father, M/M, On the Run, POV First Person, POV Jung Yunho, Rape/Non-con Elements, Servants, Underage Sex, inn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-20
Updated: 2011-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:42:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23831806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: I am an only child. But at about twelve, a boy was forced to work for us, and then suddenly I had a sister named Minjae. I knew that Jaejoong was still in there, behind the beautiful long hair and dresses and corsets. Did I fall in love with her, my adopted sister, or in love with the boy who she used to be?
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Kim Jaejoong
Kudos: 7





	1. My Sister

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

**Warning: sexual situations with a minor and prostitution**

**A/N: This fic is a little odd. As an explanation, yes, Jaejoong is a boy in this fic. But in Yunho's upbringing, he was taught to call him a girl and think of him as a girl, so he refers to Jaejoong as "her" and "she". This fic is first person, from Yunho's POV.**

I met Jaejoong when I was twelve. The boy was only eight, and he was dirty and smelly, and my father called him a filthy little thief. He’d tried to pick my father’s coin purse while he had been at the market buying supplies for our inn.

The boy’s punishment was to be our servant until my father felt he’d worked off the crime. Jaejoong scrubbed floors and did dishes and cooked and cleaned, staying out of sight of our guests.

I paid him no mind—he was only a servant—until one day, he was in my room cleaning. I watched him for a few minutes before he noticed me.

He meeped and dropped his wet cloth and put his forehead to the floor with a whimper of my name. “I’m sorry. I was not expecting you home.”

“It’s okay, Jaejoong,” I said. “I forgot what I came in for anyway. So carry on.”

I hurried away, unaware of what the flutter in my chest had meant when his dark eyes had gone so wide and those pink lips formed a surprised oh.

The next time I thought of Jaejoong, I overheard my parents discussing him. Father wished to be rid of another mouth to feed, but Mother had grown attached to him and refused to toss him out. Especially so close to winter. With winter coming, the inn would fill up with men and soldiers and travelers. Mother needed help since I was to continue my schooling and training.

Father laughed cruelly. “You want him to have a woman’s job?”

“It’s what he does anyway.”

“Then it is what he will be. You’ve always wanted a daughter. Put him in a dress and let him serve our guests if he can handle the embarrassment. And if he refuses, then he can leave.”

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

Two weeks later, wind blew rain in from every side, and I ran home after school. I stepped into the main hall of the inn, soaking and covered in mud.

A quiet voice I had only heard once before said, “Yunho-oppa, go stand by the fire.”

I twisted my head and saw dark eyes I knew well, but not as they were. Jaejoong wore a brown shift, and a red bonnet covered his dark hair. His lips were tinged pink.

I stared and swallowed, and then swallowed again. The chill from the rain was paralyzing, but seeing Jaejoong dressed as a girl is what froze me.

“Please, oppa, you’re dripping everywhere.”

I swallowed again and quickly moved to the fire where I removed my boots and coat. Jaejoong was there to take them away, hanging them near the hearth so they would dry quickly. He hurried away and then returned with a hot mug of cider and then asked if I wanted some porridge to warm me up.

Dazed, I nodded, still unable to say anything as I watched him walk away. It was odd. Because I knew he was a boy, but he moved with a feminine flare that I doubt I would have noticed had he not been wearing a dress. The skirt shifted around him, and I wondered how many layers of petticoats caused the curve of his hips. Not that I understood the ways of women’s clothing. Now at thirteen, I only knew what I knew when I peeked into the brothels in town.

A traveler entered the inn, and Mother was there in a moment to welcome the guest. Jaejoong, keeping his head low, took the man’s coat. Mother negotiated a night’s stay, and then she said something else that turned my world upside down.

“This is my daughter Minjae. She’ll be right back with a warm drink for you and prepare anything you’d wish to eat at this early hour. Dinner will be served at seven.”

And just like that. I had sister named Minjae.

It was odd at first, to hear this boy call me ‘oppa’. I learned to call him Jae, because I couldn’t call him Minjae, because he wasn’t a girl. At least, not at first.

Jae’s hair grew long, past his shoulders, and Mother braided it and curled it. She taught him how to paint his face and put his body into corsets, giving him curves he didn’t have. He was pretty; he’d always been pretty. No one ever questioned him. Or asked if he was really a boy. He was docile and pretty, and he smiled and blushed for the patrons.

The next three years were confusing for me, but over time, I started thinking of Jaejoong as Minjae and saying “she” instead of “he”. Very slowly, I don’t even know when I started, but she was less of a he, and more Minjae than Jaejoong and I started calling her “she” and “her” and “my little sister” in my mind, too. The few times I forgot early on, Father would glare at me. So it became something I did so I did not upset him or my mother.

Father was happy, because Minjae brought in more and more customers.

We grew close under the guise of the lie. I don’t know how she felt about the distance between us, but I was determined to make it go away. Even though Father disapproved, I taught Jae how to read and how to do math. I gave her homework that she would finish after her other chores were done. She was very smart. And after a few months, we started teasing each other and playing and acting more like an older brother and younger sister would. It still felt weird to me, but Jae laughed when I teased her or pulled on her curls. She had a habit of jumping from behind the pillars and trying to scare me. I started calling her BooJae.

And I of course was the perfect older brother. When I was at the inn, I watched her and defended her against the worst of those that tried to touch her

But it wasn’t until I was sixteen, and my BooJae was twelve that I started thinking of her and sex at the same time.

I was running late for school. It was my last year and after this year, I was to stay at the inn full time and learn to run it under my Father’s teachings. I needed something quick to eat, but Minjae was not in the kitchen when she normally was. I didn’t worry, but went around the inn searching for her.

I had my hand raised to knock on the door of Father’s office when I heard Minjae whimper from inside.

“Don’t you like that, girl?” Father asked. He always called her that, just like he always called Mother “wife”.

Minjae whimpered again.

Anger rose in me, because that was not a happy whimper, and he was hurting her. I pushed the door open, and the shout died on my lips at what I saw.

My father was turned, so he did not see the door. Minjae was bent over the desk, and her skirts were up around her waist. But all I saw was her pained face. My father’s arm was behind her, moving steadily. I backed up, unsure. If he’d been beating her, I would have intruded, but what was he doing with his hand under her skirts?

For the first time in a long time, I thought of Jaejoong and not Minjae, and why would my father do such things to him (not her?) and why would he anyway when Mother could walk in any moment and see them?

I did not know what to do, so I left, not realizing that my BooJae had seen me and that her heart was breaking because I did nothing but leave her to suffer at the hands of my father.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

Little by little, my BooJae grew withdrawn, she only smiled at customers and when she was on call. I watched her intently, but I also withdrew from her because I didn’t know what else to do. I could not call my father out and reveal his sins to my mother, because Minjae was his property. His slave.

I noticed when BooJae would disappear, and then a few minutes later, a soldier or visitor would be led by my father to his office. My BooJae would return, eyes blank, smile fake, a twitch in her step. I did not need to follow those men to know what they were doing to her. But I was also powerless to stop it.

For months I watched my BooJae whither and I missed her smiles and her laughter. The clothes she wore grew more sensual, with flares and lace along the bodice, and ruffles and drapes along the skirts and neckline. Bright green, blue, red and purple corsets showed off her tiny waist and gave the appearance of breasts that she did not actually have. Her creamy skin tantalized the men who stayed at the inn.

I tried to remember her as Jaejoong and I couldn’t. I had not been friends with that boy, and this girl held more of my heart than I understood at barely sixteen. I did not want her to suffer any longer, but I had no idea how to stop it. Father grew richer from his daughter’s work.

I finally decided that no matter what, I would be there for her. I could not stop them, but I could not let her suffer without support from anyone.

My seventeenth birthday fell just the day before the Winter Solstice Festival. The Festival always brought extra tenants and extra money. People were booked two or three to a room, and Minjae gave up her room for others to sleep in. Because of demand, she rarely slept on these nights. I was told to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I stayed awake, by the fire and watched her work her magic. She smiled at the men, touched their shoulders.

I was angry because these men got to see her smile and hear her laugh, and I used to, but I couldn’t anymore because of them. Not a real smile or a real laugh. I hated them for it. And every time she touched one of them, I wanted to stab him. Draw my knife and slice open their jugular.

The last man did not stumble up to bed until almost three am, and I knew that MinJae had to clean up and then get breakfast started.

When I stood up from my perch near the fire, she squeaked in surprise and put her hand to her chest, mouth forming that perfect oh of surprise.

“Yunho-oppa, you said you were going off to bed hours ago.”

I shrugged as I walked over to her. She went backwards until she hit a pillar. I kept moving into her space and then hugged her. Surprised, she froze, and then after a moment her arms wrapped around my waist.

“Jaejoong.”

She stiffened, and then pushed me away. “You should go to bed, Yunho oppa. I have things to clean.”

“You should sleep also, Boo.”

“I will when I have time.” She seemed more relaxed that I hadn’t called her ‘Jaejoong’ again.

She turned and left for the kitchen. I sighed. That did not go how I wanted it to go at all. When she reappeared bearing a bowl of water and a washcloth for the tables, I knew that she would do her duty first. And sleep when she had time.

By the end of the next night, she had almost collapsed. The revelers had retreated and the guests slept early, still half-drunk from the night before. I waited for her on the stairs until she had cleaned up. She’d disappeared with four different men that night. I curbed my need to kill them.

Again, she meeped, seeing me on the stairs. “Oppa,” she admonished, putting hands on her hips.

I smiled. “What?”

“You should be in bed.”

“You said that last night. And so should you. But your bedroom is still occupied, so I’ve come to offer mine.”

“I can’t do that.”

And it wasn’t a lie or a denial of my request. She actually couldn’t. We’d both be in trouble if Father found out.

“Too bad,” I said. I stood up and moved down the single stair. She muffled her squeal as I lifted her over my shoulder.

“Oppa,” she hissed, pounding at my back with her fist. “Put me down this instant.”

I carried her up the stairs and into my room at the very end of the hall on the third floor. She quieted, not wanting to wake Mother and Father. I set her down and then pushed her toward the bed. “Go sleep. Now. You need it.”

“I sleep on the flo—“

“No. You will sleep on the bed.”

“Oppa.”

“Jaejoong.”

She froze again, and turned away from me. “Don’t call me that.” The feminine timber of her voice fell.

“That’s your name.”

“That was my name.”

“Jae, come on.”

“Don’t, Yunho. Please.” She seemed more fragile than I’d ever seen her. I had to remind myself that she was only thirteen.

I walked up behind her and put my arms around her shoulder, like I so often had before. She was trembling and let me lead her to the bed. Stopping at the end, I held her with one arm and loosened the bodice with the other. Her breath hitched as it hit the floor. I unbuttoned the rows of buttons down the back of her dress, and she let it fall to the floor, leaving her in a shift and a few layers of petticoats. She inhaled sharply as I untied the petticoats, adding them to the pile on the floor.

For me, I only took off my tunic. She did not move and stayed there, standing in only her shift, arms around her skinny body that no longer looked so feminine. She was beautiful.

She let me turn us around and I sat on the bed and pulled her down so she was sitting between my spread legs. With soft hands I loosened the ribbons in her hair. I did not have a brush in my room, so I used my fingers, until the dark strands cascaded down her shoulders.

“There,” I whispered.

She was pliant and followed my lead as I pushed back my blankets and laid her down. She curled away from me, and without really thinking, I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “Sleep my beautiful Jae.”

I meant to get up from the bed, but her hands gripped my arm. I looked down at her, saw the begging in her eyes, and then lay down with her. Over the blanket. She buried her face in my chest and she cried. I did not know what to say or do to make her feel better, so I said nothing and stroked her head until she drifted into an uneasy sleep.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~


	2. My Love

_Just a clarification on ages: Yunho is 17 during this chapter and Jae is 13, but turns 14 about halfway through the chapter._

I woke up alone. Neither of us mentioned that night, but a few weeks later, I woke up to cold feet against my legs and long hair brushing over my face.

Jae slipped into bed with me at least once a week. I noticed a pattern pretty quickly. The days when she went to Father’s office frequently were nights that she slept with me. I held her tightly, because it was the only time I could protect her.

But some nights we didn’t sleep, or we couldn’t sleep. She would lie on her back, staring at the ceiling, and I would lay next to her, fingers playing with her hair. It made her smile, and I loved seeing her smile.

Time passed, and I finished school.

Father taught me how to run our expenses, profit and loss, and how to get things for a better price at the market. School can only teach you so much, he said.

In the financial books from the inn, I noticed an entry labeled “extra entertainment”. I had a suspicion on what that meant. Every morning, Father showed me how to enter and count the money from the night before. And sure enough, the days when Minjae disappeared with men, the “extra entertainment” pile increased.

I was enraged.

We were rich, because Father was selling her. And he didn’t care, because Minjae was not his real daughter. Just a piece of filth to him.

But she was my sister. Or my brother … or … I wasn’t sure what she was to me, but she was more than just something to pass around like a new toy.

Slowly I formulated a plan. Father trusted me to count the previous day’s income, and I slipped a few coins from the “extra entertainment” pile into my pocket. Just a few. Not a large enough amount to raise suspicion. I kept the money hidden behind a loose brick in my room.

For six months, I skimmed a little off the top. And then I realized I had no idea what to do with it. Part of me wanted to give it to Minjae so she could run away and live, but she’d never find another job. And this wasn’t about me letting her go. I did not want to let her go. I wanted to be mine, and I wanted to make her smile and laugh.

But I didn’t know if she wanted me to do that for her.

The next time she slipped into my bed, I was awake and almost waiting for her. With half closed eyes, I watched her drop her clock, revealing the thin shift underneath it. She did not have a woman’s body at all, and yet I found her more beautiful than any woman and more delicate than any man. She was something in between.

“Boo,” I whispered.

She jumped in surprise, and then hastily came to bed, crawling under the covers. Her bed was not this comfortable and her blanket was not this warm. It was summer though, so I knew she wasn’t here because she was cold.

I immediately played with her hair and she smiled. I wanted to talk to her about what I was thinking, but I had no idea where to start.

“BooJae,” I said again, and this time I put my arms around her tiny waist and pulled her against my body. “My BooJae.”

She stiffened and then relaxed, rubbing her head against my shoulder. “My Yunho,” she replied just as softly.

“Can I talk to you?” I asked. “About something serious.”

“W-what?”

“Do you like living here?”

“I like you.”

“That wasn’t an answer.”

“No, Yunho. I don’t.” There was a warning edge to her voice.

“Why don’t you run away?”

“And do what? And go where? And … and be who?”

I buried my face into the soft skin of her neck. She shivered from my breath, and I inhaled. She smelled of flowery soap, a tinge of sweat from her work.

“I want you to be who you are,” I said, finally. “Not a shell of someone else.”

“Who am I?”

“Every time I say who you are you get mad at me, so I won’t.”

“I’m not. N-not anymore.”

“But you’re not Minjae.”

“Then I’m no one.”

“Now that is not true.” My lips caressed her skin. She shivered and her breath came out faster. I had never done anything like this to her before, but I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to be near her, and hold her close. “You are my BooJae.”

Her chest hitched and with a muffled sob, she turned in my arms and pushed her face to my chest. “I’m not. I’m not. Because that’s …”

I cupped her cheeks and lifted her face. With a smile, I said, “You are. If you’re confused on who or what you are, don’t ever be confused about that.”

Her long lashes blinked, and tears spilled to my fingers. I wiped them away and then, on automatic, leaned down and kissed her. She inhaled sharply through her nose, and then whimpered, pressing back. Her arms went around my shoulders and I pulled her body against me. Our bodies were so different. I had the muscles and the brawn from working and training, and she only had slim shoulders, that tiny waist.

She tore away with a cry and yanked herself from me. But not before I felt the unmistakable press of an erection against my hip. She curled into a ball. Even in the dark, I could see her pale skin flush. I moved closer and put my arm around her waist. I pulled her back again, letting her feel my hardness against her body.

She shivered and tried to pull away, struggling and digging nails into my arm.

“Boo,” I said, “w-what—why—”

“It’s not … no. just—Let me go!”

“I love you,” I burst out.

She froze, and then struggled again. But I was stronger and I pinned her beneath me. She kept her eyes shut, mouth open in heaving gasps. Tears trailed down her cheeks again and I kissed them away.

“’Don’t, oppa, please, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t love me. You can’t love me.”

“Too late.”

She tried to hide her face behind her hands, but I caught her wrists and pinned them above her head.

“Look at me.”

She shook her head.

“Look at me,” I demanded again, giving her a shake.

Her eyes snapped open. I had never, ever been rough with her.

“I love you,” I said right away. “I love you. I love everything about you, and I love the thought of you. I want you to be happy, and you are not happy here.”

She turned her face away and I kissed her cheek. The salty tang of her tears touched my lips.

With lips against her ear, I whispered, “When I save enough money, when I can get us out of here, will you run away with me?”

Her eyes widened and she turned quickly to me. “Are you crazy?” she said, more in Jaejoong’s voice than hers.

I smiled. “Crazy in love with you. Yes, I am.”

She bit her lower lip. “You’re not. I … I’m a freak.”

“My father is a bastard. You are not a freak. In his eyes, you are what he forced you to be so many years ago. In my eyes, you’re beautiful, intoxicating, addicting. Please, Boo. Believe me. You’re so beautiful.”

She shook her head and again looked away. I kissed her cheek, down her chin that was too sharp and defined for a girl. I continued down the column of her neck. She sighed, breath leaving her in little wisps of air.

I wondered if those other men had kissed her like this.

“What do they do to you?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Don’t make me say it.”

“I won’t. Is it painful?”

“Not always.”

“Not always?”

“No. Sometimes … sometimes it feels good.”

I growled possessively against the skin of her chest, below collar bones that protruded too much, and she trembled. “I hate it. I hate knowing what they’re doing to you. I hate not being able to do anything about it.”

“I … I can show you,” she whispered.

I stopped and looked up, but she did not meet my eyes. “Show me what?”

“Show you what … what I do for them.”

I shook and then said no. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.” Her body moved to the side, under me, and I again felt a press of an erection on my hip. I moaned and lifted up, kissing her harshly.

She followed the kiss and begged for more. I let go of her hands and gripped her hips, shifting her so I could lower mine and press my erection against hers.

Or his.

“They … they don’t do this to you,” I said.

She shook her head. “I am a very well kept secret.”

“Good.” I dropped back down, rocking my hips, pushing against her body. She moaned into my mouth, fingers gripping my bare shoulders.

I had been with women before, but never another boy, and I had no idea what to expect. I sped up as her whimpers increased.

“O-oppa, so … I …”

“Hyung,” I said with a growl. “Call me hyung.”

She chewed on her lower lip and I sucked it into my mouth, biting down hard.

“Hyung!” she said, the word torn from her throat. My body spasmed with pleasure, rocking faster.

Her hands yanked at her shift and I helped push it up even as I kept kissing her. My hands touched bare skin, smooth bare skin and I hooked her knees around my body. I was quick to unfasten my pants and lower them, past my knees. Our bare skin touched, and again, our erections slid together.

She bit her lip against a cry, body arching up into mine. Her nails dug into my back and she shook spasming, shooting strands of white onto her shift and between our bodies. I moaned, watching her come. I swallowed her moans with a kiss and slid my cock through her mess. She moaned in response, and then broke away.

“Hyung, god.”

I chewed on her neck, careful not to mark her as she whimpered, “Hyung” over and over again. The pleasure shot through my skin and with a gasp of, “Jaejoong” I came hard, adding to the mess on her clothes and body.

His clothes.

I sighed and kissed her again. I was confusing myself so much.

She breathed harshly against my neck and then pushed me away, I moved, confused, but she only sat up enough to pull the dirtied shift over her head. Her hair cascaded down her body, the longest ends covering dusky nipples.

“Definitely not a girl,” I whispered and took a nipple between my fingers.

She inhaled sharply, and then her eyes shut with a sigh.

“And still so beautiful.”

“Don’t,” she protested.

I smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips lightly. I rolled away and finished kicking off my clothes. Turning back, I realized again that she is crying. I pulled her body against mine, fingers trailing down her hip and into the mess we both made.

“Tell me what to do for you. I’m giving everything to you.”

She turned her face to me. Our lips met. “I don’t know what I want.”

“I want to run away with you. Tell me you will.”

“Don’t get my hopes up, Yunho, please.”

I opened my mouth to tell her my secret of taking the extra money, and then shut it. I had a feeling that I would have to prove it to her.

Lips pressed against mine lightly.

“Thank you.”

I wasn’t sure what she was thanking me for. I held her tightly until she fell asleep. In order to prove it to her that I loved her for what she was, I had to start tomorrow.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

Once again, Jae was gone when I woke up. I sighed and rose carefully. I had hoped she would have stayed with me.

Perhaps she thought it was only a single night. She did not tell me to treat her differently than I had been. I wasn’t sure if I should. I wanted to call her Jaejoong, reverse the way I thought of her in my head.

But I didn’t dare. Not without her approval.

I had to start my day, even if I didn’t want to. Reluctantly, I dressed and headed to my father’s office.

Jae saw me and her cheeks turned a gorgeous pink. She greeted me with her standard, “Good morning, Oppa,” and then rushed off to get coffee and breakfast for me.

Summer was always a slow time for us. The daylight lasted longer, and it was warm enough that travelers would prefer to sleep on the side of the road than spend money for lodging. The “extra entertainment” pile was the only part of our profit that was not affected. I cut the amount I took in half, since Father was a bit more aware of the finances.

Jae slipped into the office. So quiet as always. She set a tray of food down for me and handed me coffee. I let my fingers brush hers.

“Next time, wake me up,” I whispered.

The red on her cheeks burned brighter.

God, I wanted to kiss her.

“Have a good day, Yunho-oppa,” she said and left the room, a little twist of her hips made her skirts billow for a moment.

I sighed and leaned back in the chair, reliving the moment. When I opened his eyes, Mother was standing in the doorway.

“What girl put that grin on your face, young man?”

I smiled and shook my head. “Just a siren in my dreams, Mother.”

“Too bad. You should look for a good wife, son. I know your father has been talking to the tailor about his daughter Muriel.”

I made a face, not bothering to hide my disgust.

Mother chuckled. “Think of it. You are almost eighteen. It is past time for you to be married.”

“I know, Mother, but Muriel. She … she’s a …” I knew my mother would not appreciate me using the excuse that she was a girl.

“It’s a good match.”

“We’ll see.”

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~


	3. My Companion

Jae slipped into bed with me three nights later. “Are you going to marry Muriel?”

“No,” I said and yanked her to me for a kiss.

She pressed her hands to my chest and leaned away. “Who are you going to marry?”

“It would not be fair to marry a girl when I love you.”

“You lie.”

“I don’t. Let me kiss you.”

Jae smiled and shook her head, dark curls dancing around her face. With slightly hooded eyes, she stared at my chest, and then pressed a kiss to the skin between my muscles. Her hands landed soft on my sides. I caressed her arm, and just noticed that she only wore a shift. I curled my hand over her shoulder and held tight as I touched lips to her cheek. Her lips spread in a smile and she kissed my chest again, going lower and lower with her mouth. My fingers threaded through her hair.

I moaned when her lips brushed over one of my nipples. Her shaking tongue licked around the nub, and then covered it, sucking lightly.

“I told you I was going to show you what I did for them,” she whispered against my skin.

I opened my mouth to protest, but her mouth dropped lower, to my stomach. Her fingers gripped my hips, pushing and I rolled to my back. Her mouth never left my skin as she crawled between my legs. Her hands pressed against my hips and she licked down my body. I moaned, thinking of her destination. My cock twitched and hit her cheek.

When her tongue touched the heated skin of my shaft, I almost came. My fingers tightened in her hair, and I had to bite my lip against a shout that was sure to be heard through the inn.

The heat of her mouth closed around the tip of my erection. Her lips snagged over the crown as she took my cock deep into her throat.

I moaned low, hips rising. Her soft hands held my hips. She bobbed her head up and down. Just when I didn’t think she could take more of me, she inhaled deeply, hummed low and then lowered her head. Again and again, until her face pressed to my stomach. She stopped for a moment, and then pulled up, so slow.

“Fuck, Jaejoong,” I gasped.

Her whimper vibrated down me, and she sped up, taking me deep over and over. I raised a hand above me, grabbed a pillow and covered my face with it. I screamed into it as my orgasm shot through me and down her throat.

A moment later, she kissed the bend in my hip, fingers cupping my balls, and then crawled up my body. She moved the pillow, but I kept my eyes shut. My chest was heaving from the exertion.

“Hyung?”

I moaned and opened my eyes to look at Jae.

“Hyung, you really love me?”

I nodded.

“Okay,” she whispered and pressed a shaking kiss to my lips. Her lips tasted tangy with come. I slipped my hand over her hip. She shivered as her mouth opened and out tongues touched just as I curled my fingers around her erection. _His._

She moaned as I stroked her. She pushed up, hands on my chest, before pulling her shift over her head. Her pale skin shone in the dark. I sat up, my other hand around her back to steady her and stroked faster. I kissed her neck and across her shoulders. Her hands slid around my back, nails digging into my skin. She threw her head back, rocking her hips and thrusting into my hand.

They had never done this to her, and they had never seen her like this. That is what I wanted, but I wanted all of her, and I did not want to share her. She shuddered, mouth open as her body shook and sagged against me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whimpered into my shoulder as she came, orgasm splattering all over my stomach and hand.

She gasped my name and then shivered uncontrollably. I lowered her to the bed and hovered over her, pressing relaxing kisses to her cheeks and neck.

“Why do you love me, Yunho?” she whispered.

“I can’t pinpoint one reason, my love, I just do.”

She held me tightly and I pulled her close to my body. She fell asleep with a smile on her face and I stayed up for long hours just watching her.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

Our forbidden rendezvous increased from once every week or so, to every other night. Jae was as addicting as I knew she would be. We were almost caught a few times.

Almost a year later, as the winter snow melted into spring, Mother and Father again started talking about marriage. It was more than only mentioning it and I knew I was running out of time. They brought over girls and their parents to introduce us. And during the Winter Festival, the schoolteacher’s daughter Amanda was practically promised to me in front of most of our guests.

I knew it was time for Jae and me to leave. I was eighteen, and at fifteen, Jae was soon going to have a hard time hiding as a girl.

“Boo?” I whispered, so late at night. She lay on her stomach, hair fanned out around her head. I rubbed her back, letting my fingers dip over the curve of her ass.

She hummed to show she was listening.

“We should go.”

She was used to me saying this, but she propped up on her elbow and looked at me. She blew long hair out of her face, and it made me laugh.

“You are so beautiful,” I whispered and kissed her lips.

“And you are so handsome,” she replied, like she always did. My hand trailed down her body and I cupped her ass.

“We need to go. Leave.”

She shook her head. “We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“How are we going to live, survive, anything?”

I still had not told her of my deceptions. “Do you trust me, my love?”

“Yes.”

“Then trust me when I say we can.”

“Okay.”

I kissed her again and then settled over her. She moaned, smiling and arched her body against mine. We had already pleasured each other, and I felt selfish. I wanted more. But she was tired. Our lips met sideways, and I put my arm around her stomach, holding her up as I thrust slowly against her body.

“One day I will tell you that I need to go into town, and that night, I want you to pack a bag of clothes and then meet me down at the stables at three in the morning. Understand?”

She bit her lower lip. “No, but okay.”

I chuckled and lowered us to the bed. “Sleep now. You need to rest.”

She snuggled next to me, smiling. “Yunho?”

“Hm?” My eyes were already shut, trying to calm my nerves.

“I love you.”

I smiled and hugged her tightly. “I love you too, my BooJae.”

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

It was three weeks later when I saw our chance. My father only checked over my work once a week, so I took more money than usual. I kept it all in a bag, waiting, and waiting more. The Spring Festival brought in many clients and lots of money. I knew that MinJae would have to stay up all night cleaning and cooking.

She went to my father’s office eight times that night.

Normally, I would stay in the main hall and watch over Jae, but if I wanted to leave that morning, I couldn’t afford to. It was still pretty early, only ten at night. Beer was flowing through the men in the main hall.

I stood up and moved around them to where Jae was standing at the bar.

“Minjae,” I said.

She smiled at me, and so did my mother.

“I have to go into town tomorrow, so I’m going to go up to bed. Try to keep your admirers quiet.”

Her smile fell for a moment and then she laughed and nodded. “You’ll be dead to the world in a couple hours. You wouldn’t notice if they danced on your bed.”

I laughed and kissed her cheek and then kissed Mother’s cheek, hugging her more tightly than normal. It was my goodbye even though she didn’t realize it. “I’m going to pack tonight so I don’t have to do it in the morning.”

“Wow, planning ahead,” Jae said. “That’s not like you at all, oppa.”

I laughed again and bid them goodnight. A few of the men tried to stop me to have a beer, but I moved through them with a smile. I went right to Jae’s room. I had no idea what she would and wouldn’t want, but soon, there were going to be four or five men in this room. I grabbed a few of the non-descript dresses and a few shifts and petticoats. Boots, shoes, leggings. God I had no idea. I only knew how to take them off Jae.

I grabbed any jewelry that might have been worth money and then took the full duffle bag and went to my room. I made sure the door was locked and then packed up all my things. I counted all the money, something I hadn’t done for awhile and my eyes went wide at the total amount. It was way more than enough. I separated it into ten coin purses, hiding a few in Jae’s bag and in my bag and then deciding to put the rest on my person.

I took the back stairs to the stables and made sure my horse was shod and saddled.

And then I went back to my room to wait. I listened as the men slamming their way to the rooms. Loud, obnoxious, annoying. I waited through the noise, heart hammering.

I couldn’t believe I was doing this. It felt too soon, but I’d been planning for almost two years now.

The night moved slowly. There was movement in the hall. I heard Mother’s voice, and then Father’s, and the door next to mine shut. My parents had gone to bed. I waited for another couple of hours. Late stragglers stumbled up to bed. There weren’t as many revelers now as there were during the winter.

Restless, I stood up. I put my boots on, grabbed the bags and my cloaks. Fuck, I had forgotten Jae’s cloak. At least I had two. I poked my head out the door, saw no one and hurried down the hall to the stairs. My breath caught, but the man on the stairs was passed out. I went down quickly.

The main hall was empty save for my beautiful love. She stood by the fire, a rag clutched in her hands.

I cleared my throat and she spun around, the scared look replaced with a smile.

She opened her mouth and I shook my head and mouthed, “Go.”

She nodded. Dropping the cloth, she moved to the door. I watched as she threw a shawl around her shoulders and slipped on shoes. Our eyes met across the room and then she slipped out the front door.

I sighed and went to the office. The night’s money sat in the safe. I had planned to take it, and then I stopped. I was stealing away my parents’ livelihood. Without Minjae, their profits would drop and I did not want my mother to live in poverty.

I quickly wrote her a note:

_Dear Mother,  
I love you. It may not seem like it since I have abandoned you.  
But I love Jaejoong so much. Yes, Jaejoong. I love Jaejoong, not Minjae and not some half of a woman who you and Father think she is.  
We’re leaving. Please don’t come after us.  
I thought of taking this money, this money that Minjae has earned on her knees while pleasuring Father’s clients. It is his. But I do not want to leave you completely ruined.  
When we are settled, we will contact you.  
Forever your son,  
Jung Yunho_

I didn’t think that was enough and it was too much. There was so much to add, because she was my mother, but I didn’t know what else to say.

I left the note and the money on the desk and then went out the back.

A figure waited for me, and I moved quickly. I pulled Jae against me and kissed her, forcefully, briefly. We said nothing, but moved into the stables. I piled our saddlebags on my horse and then mounted. I held out my arm and pulled Jae in front of me.

With a quiet direction, I maneuvered out of the stables and then left our world behind.

I held Jae close as the horse galloped down the road. She clung to my arms with tight fingers. I covered her with the cloak as we rode.

I wasn’t too sure where I was going, but South sounded about right. It was still early in the spring and we were not equipped for colder weather. During the early morning we went through two towns. They were all places I had been so we did not stop.

As the sun rose to the East of us, I wondered if my mother had found our note and seen that we were gone.

I knew that I could not keep this pace. My horse would suffer, so just outside the next town, I turned off the road and walked the mare until we came to a stream. Eventually, I’d have to buy another horse. Bridget was strong, but carrying two people would wear her out.

I supported Jae as she slid from the horse and she walked a few feet away and then collapsed. Worried, I dismounted and went to her, but she pushed me away, not answering my questions.

“J-just leave me alone for … for a moment, please,” she whispered.

“Okay. Are you hungry?”

She shook her head, face hidden beneath her long hair.

I sat just a couple feet away and dug into my pack for a slice of bread and cheese. It was rations for us until I felt safe enough to check into an inn or stop in a town for supplies.

Jae’s little sniffs tore at my heart and I wanted to hold her.

“Jae,” I whispered and she flinched. “Please let me hold you. I … I can’t stand seeing you cry.”

Jae rubbed her arms and very lightly nodded her head. I quickly moved to her, kneeling, and gathered her in my arms. She clutched tightly at my shirt and cried harder. I said nothing and waited.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~


	4. My Wife

We sat by that creek for longer than I felt comfortable. Finally, I softly pushed her away by her shoulders. I rubbed her cheeks and kissed just below her eyes. “Come on. We have to move. Keep going.”

I wasn’t sure if my father would send someone out to find us, or even if they’d send one the right direction. But a soldier on a horse would be able to travel much faster than a horse carrying two riders.

I stood up and drew her to her feet. Her arms wrapped around my stomach, face against my chest. I hugged her and kissed her head. I led the way back to Bridget. Again, I mounted first and then lifted her in front of me. She turned sideways, like a proper lady, and made sure her skirts covered her feet.

We traveled at a slower pace, stopping to eat a small lunch. At about one in the afternoon, Jae was falling asleep in the saddle, and I was well on my way there. I pulled Bridget off the side of the road again. Jae woke up enough to stumble from the saddle. She waited as I spread out a blanket under the shade of a tree. She lay down with a sigh and then looked up at me when I moved away.

“You need to sleep, Yunho.”

“I know,” I whispered, kneeling next to her. “I will soon.”

She glared at me from under the fall of her hair. “Don’t try to act so tough, _hyung_ , you’re tired.”

I laughed. “I am. Just a minute though.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing. I moved to Bridget and removed our bags and then dug into those to remove a few of the money bags.

“What … Yunho!”

I turned. She was propped up on her hands, body twisted to watch me. Her eyes were wide.

“I told you to trust me, didn’t I? And technically this is your money.”

“W-what?”

“I’ve been skimming off the top of what men pay to be with you for almost two years. I have a lot of money. Well, it’s your money. So you have a lot of money. I don’t want to just hand it over to a bandit.” I went back to the makeshift bed and placed the money bags under the blanket where they would be mostly hidden. I straightened the blanket and then lay down next to my BooJae.

She stared at me a while longer and then moved over and put her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and let myself sleep for only a couple hours. It was not a deep sleep, because I did not want to be caught unaware, but it was enough for the day. My BooJae slept very well, and with a smile curving her lips.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

We traveled this way for three days before stopping in a town for another horse. Bridget was doing fine, but I knew we could travel for longer periods of time if we were on separate horses. I bought a young horse, only about four years old. He was free-spirited and feisty. I liked him immediately, and the seller gave me his paperwork. His name was Smokey Ember. And his coloring showed that. He was dapple gray with an undertone of roan red. A mix of colors that made me think of a dying fire.

He and Jae got along right away, and even though the young stallion sniffed and danced when I was in the saddle, he immediately became docile when Jae rode him.

We were able to travel faster and farther. After another three days, I decided it would be safe to stay at an inn. We both needed a bath and a substantial meal.

We picked lodgings at the far side of town, just in case we had to get out in a hurry. The stableman complimented me on both of my horses and then offered a hand to Jae. She blushed and stammered a thanks as she slid down the horse. I tipped the stableman and then took all of our bags. A little page boy ran up to us and bowed and said it was his duty to carry the bags, but I knew I had too many for such a young boy to handle. I gave him two of them though. I held out my arm for Jae and she hooked her hand at my elbow. We followed the boy to the front door.

The innkeeper’s wife was named Amara. She was an older lady with a large smile; I was immediately reminded of my mother. She welcomed us and put us in a single room. I noted Jae shaking, and decided she was nervous. But then again, I had introduced her as my wife. I bartered for a bath for my beautiful wife and dinner for both of us. The woman showed Jae the bathing room, and I handed her a bag, telling her I would wait in the main hall for her.

Jae ducked her head and I kissed her cheek instead of her lips. I waited until the door shut behind her before sighing softly.

“Is everything all right, Yunho-shi?” Amara asked me.

I smiled at her and nodded. “She is a young bride,” I explained. “We met only a few weeks ago at our wedding.”

Amara smiled in understanding. She showed me to our room and I put our bags down on the bed. I locked the door before going back downstairs.

I sat at the table closest to the bathing room and penned a letter to my mother. Or I tried. I finally settled on vague.

_Dear Mother,  
I can only imagine your concern for us, but believe me when I say that we are doing well. We are stopping for a night of sleep in a real bed.  
I am sure you’re disappointed and that you are angry with me and with Jae, but please, it was the only thing we could do.  
You are a smart woman, so I know you know what Father was making Jae do. We were both very desperate.  
Jae is still uncertain on the part to play. Quiet and withdrawn, but I’m unsure how to relieve the stress surrounding my beautiful BooJae.  
Please understand.  
And remember that I will always love you.  
Forever your son  
Jung Yunho_

Amara had brought me a tankard of ale and a plate of fresh bread. I ate slowly as Jae’s bath lasted almost an hour. When she finally emerged, head lowered, dark wet curls hiding her face, my mouth dropped open. I had forgotten how beautiful she was in only a simple dress.

“Are you hungry, dear one?” Amara asked.

Jae shook her head, little drips of water landing on the wooden floor.

“We’ve been traveling for a few days,” I said, standing. “She is tired.” I went to her side and softly took her elbow.

“I understand. Dinner will be served at seven tonight.”

“Thank you, Amara,” I said, and Jae quietly echoed me.

I led her upstairs, quickly moving into the room to move the bags so she could lie down. She went to the bed and lay on her stomach, arms outstretched.

I sat next to her, leaning on my side with my feet off the bed. Her back rose and fell in a heavy breath. I played with the ends of her wet hair. She let out a frustrated noise and then turned her head, facing away from me.

“I’d like to sleep,” she said.

“Okay.”

“Alone.”

A pang of disappoint shot through my heart.

She turned her head, and I realized she was smiling. “Alone until you bathe,” she amended. “You have no idea how badly you stink.”

I laughed and rubbed our noses together. “Then I will go clean up while you get some beauty rest. I hate seeing those dark circles under your eyes. You’re too stressed out.”

“Can you blame me?” she asked, wincing as her voice cracked.

That made me laugh more, but her cheeks went red and she turned away from me. I pressed a kiss to her smooth neck and whispered, “I will return, my beauty. Rest well.”

With another smile, I stood up and went back downstairs for my own bath.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

Jae easily slipped into her role as a woman when we went down for dinner. She whispered to me that it was odd to be the one sitting while others served her. She ate like a person starved, but then again so did I, and the meat and gravy and potatoes were too good to not eat. We went to bed early, because Jae said the looks of the men at the inn made her nervous. I had no problem with that. I had noticed their looks too. I felt like we hadn’t even left, except that Jae was coming upstairs with me, instead of being left in the main hall to ward off their advances.

She again fell into bed. The light coming in the windows was still bright. I shut the shudders and pulled the draperies, encasing the room in shadows.

I was shaking as I climbed over her. We had done nothing more than kiss since we left, and I wanted to feel her skin against mine.

She sighed and moved her hair off her neck. I took the offering and kissed her skin, sweet from her bath. She smiled and lifted her hips, pressing her body against mine.

“I love you,” I whispered, nibbling on her ear as I slowly thrust against her.

“And I still say that you don’t know me enough to love me.”

“And I still say that I love what I know and will also love what you have yet to become.”

With a sigh, she rolled over. “What I become. You would love me as a boy.”

I smiled. “I love you as a boy.”

“But I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“You’re so stubborn,” she said.

“So are you. Can I kiss you now?”

“If you must.”

“Oh, love, I would kiss you all the time, but it’s letting go of your lips that I must do.”

She smiled and hooked her arms around my neck. I leaned down and kissed her. She kissed me back, but I could tell her heart was not in it.

“What’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath, chest rising against mine. “I feel so exposed. So … open.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. It’s like … this isn’t home. I’m so uncomfortable.”

I smiled and kissed her. “You feel uncomfortable here, where there is no chance of discovery.”

“I can’t explain it, but please understand.”

I brushed hair from her face. “Of course, my BooJae.” I kissed her again, so soft. I’d never say this out loud, but I kissed her like I would approach a skittish colt. It was a bit manipulative, but it felt like it’d been so long since I last touched her body. Long minutes later, her tongue rolled with mine, her lips were red and her cheeks flushed.

Her hands tugged on my tunic. I helped pull it over my head.

“Oh, fu—nggh.”

She laughed. I sat up. The laces of my tunic caught on my chin, blocking my sight. I straightened it and then finished pulling it off. I mock-scowled down at her. She bit her lower lip, trying not to laugh. I smiled widely and then fell back to her, elbows next to her head. I kissed her again. Her hand trailed down my skin, pulling shivers from my body. She took my arm, pushing it back. She pushed until my hand was on her thigh. I took her hint and rubbed her thigh, all around, up and down. I did not realize I was hiking her skirts up until my hand hit skin.

I broke away from her lips in surprise. Her smirk.

So I hadn’t been hiking up her skirts, but she did.

“You …” I laughed and she laughed. With a firm grasp I yanked her skirts up, flinging them over her face. She laughed trying to gather them all up.

I stared at her body—his body—and swallowed. The light shone on the pale skin, stomach caving with each deep breath, sticking out her ribs. I kept forgetting how delicate she was. I brushed my fingers over her ribs, lower to her stomach. Her skin twitched. Her laugh was muffled by her skirts. I ran fingernails down her bony hips, and then stopped, pausing before cupping her—his—balls.

My brain was confusing me, everything was confusing me, and it didn’t matter if he was she or she was Jaejoong. I remembered what she had done to me so many times. I leaned over her body and ran my tongue up the length of her—his—erection.

I forced myself to stop thinking, and only concentrate on pleasure. She shouted my name, and spurred on, I closed my mouth around the crown. Whimpers echoed my moans, and I took more into my mouth. I gagged almost right away and immediately gripped the base, stroking what I could not get in my mouth. I’d need lots of practice. I doubted this felt as good as when Jae had sucked on me.

“Yunho, fuck, Yunnie, please … just …” Fingers wrapped in my hair. The cock pulsed in my mouth. My head was yanked up, and I frowned as Jae knocked my hand away, replacing it with her own. Jae stroked only twice and then was coming, spurting come up all over the underskirts. I smiled as I crawled over her. Her chest was heaving. I pressed a kiss to her shoulder, then her chin and then on her open lips. I let my hand lower back to her bare leg.

She hummed and then smiled before sealing our lips together in a soft kiss.

“Do I get to play with you now?” she whispered.

I chuckled. “Yes. If you want.”

“Yes. I want. Get naked and roll over.”

I followed her directions and lay on my back in the middle of the bed. I crossed my ankles, arms behind my head and watched as layer after layer of clothes dropped to the floor. Until she was beautifully naked.

I wanted to call her Jaejoong. Because like this, without the skirts, she was all male, all boy with narrow hips and shoulders and skinny legs. Beautiful skin, a beautiful tinge to those round cheeks, and such big, open eyes. I wondered how she would look with short hair, in a tunic and pants. With muscles. It was a vision I wanted to see in real life, but it was up to her.

I opened my mouth to ask and then shut it. I would wait until she brought it up. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She crawled over me, long curly hair caressing my skin. Our lips met and her fingers curled around my cock.

For now, I would enjoy her in any way she let me.


	5. My Girl

We traveled for another week. Jae grew more and more adventurous, more and more like she would have been had she not been pressed into slave labor and prostitution at such a young age. Every day her smiles grew wider and her eyes burned with happiness. And her laughter made my heart ache in happiness.

We did not stop at an inn until the weather forced us, too. It had rained all day and everything we owned was splattered with mud. At this inn, I decided we would stay two days, and I paid extra to have our clothes washed. The couple who ran the inn was younger than Amara and her husband had been.

The wife, Jeena, was probably the best cook I’d had the pleasure of meeting. And her husband, Seungho was nice, and we talked business for hours the first night.

We had stopped in the middle of the week, and there was only one other guest there. Seungho seemed like he needed a man to talk to since he only had his wife and daughters.

That night, after we both bathed, again my BooJae was in a spirited mood and we played with each other all night. Her fingers found places that I didn’t even know were sensitive: the bend of my knee, just below my ribs, at the base of my neck. Her lips followed the path of her fingers. Every time I reached for her, she would frown at me, so I kept my hands over my head, fingers clutching the wooden bed frame as more and more pleasure gathered from her ministrations.

The only thing I could focus as her fingers finally curled around my erection was her smile. She whispered my name and something about this being sexy, and the timbre of her voice sliced through my pleasure and I was coming in moments, just from her teasing.

She laughed, delighted and laid her body over mine. Our lips brushed and then molded, and we kissed, keeping pace to her steady thrusts against my body. She moaned into my mouth and I shut my eyes. Unable to see her, I pictured _him_ , the Jaejoong in my mind, the one with short hair and muscles. It was his erection that slid through the mess on my body, and it was his erection that pulsed and jerked and added more come to my skin.

“Hm, hyung, that feels so good.”

Eyes still shut, it was _him_ that whispered that into my ear.

I hummed my agreement and then opened my eyes. My BooJae smiled at me, our lips touched for only a moment. She stood up, back to me, and again, I was conflicted. There was nothing feminine about her body. Would she be more or less beautiful as a boy? I wasn’t sure.

She grabbed a washcloth from the basin by the bed. Kneeling on the edge, she scraped it over my stomach, cleaning me off. After tossing it to the floor with other clothes, she curled into her favorite spot against my body.

“I love you, Boo,” I whispered.

I felt her smile, and she replied, “I love you, too.”

My brain was too full of conflicting ideas. I couldn’t sleep for many hours. I watched her sleep, rubbing a hand up and down her bare back, playing with her hair. She slept with a smile on her face. Something that was becoming a habit as time went on. I fell asleep with her in my arms, curled against my body so tightly.

I woke up when she moved.

She laughed softly and kissed my head. “It’s getting late in the morning,” she whispered. “Sleep more if you must, but I’m hungry.”

I pouted, but snuggled up to the pillows, unwilling to get out of bed. With half-shut eyes, I watched her body disappear behind a costume of petticoats, a dress and a bodice until a young woman stood where an awkward boy used to be. I loved them both, because they both made up who my BooJae was.

She left the room quietly and I dozed in the late morning sun. Eventually though, the pull of my bladder and the need for food dragged me out of bed. I stumbled around the room to dress, and was still rubbing sleep from my eyes as I descended the stairs to ask for something to eat.

The main hall was empty, or I thought it was.

“Please stop,” a quiet voice whimpered. “P-please.”

I spun to the right, and almost turned back after seeing a man with a woman pinned to the wall near the fire. But I recognized that blue skirt and that dark hair.

I was halfway across the room before I knew what I was doing, and then when my brain caught up with my body, I was spinning Seungho around and punching him in the face. His nose shattered under my fist. A moment later I had my arms full of a crying BooJae, her face pressed against my chest.

“What the hell?” I demanded. “Do you make a habit of forcing yourself on your guests’ wives?”

His reply was muffled, but I caught most of it.

“She came on to you?”I said, voice rising. “I highly doubt that.”

Jae shook her head against my chest.

“I’ll have you arrested for assault,” the man said, finally getting to his feet.

“And I tell your wife why your nose is bleeding,” I replied. I took Jae’s cheeks in my hands and tilted her head up. “Go pack our bags, love. We’re leaving. Right now.”

Her eyes went wide. I had a feeling that she did not want to be alone, but I silently begged her and she nodded, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. She did not look at our host and spun around me.

“You need a leash on your—“

“You want me to break something else?” I asked.

“She came on to me, practically begged me with her smile and eyes.”

“A woman is not allowed to smile at someone?”

“Not like she did.”

“I would like a refund for a night since I will not be staying here.”

“And I will decline because you broke my nose.” The man turned around and headed for the kitchen.

I clenched my fists at my sides. Part of me wanted to go after him, but I knew it would cause more problems and only Jae was important. With a snarl at his back, I turned around and went upstairs.

Jae sat on the bed, face in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking. I fell to my knees in front of her and held her tightly.

“I … I didn’t do anything,” she said. “He just-he …”

“I know, Jae. I know.”

“I don’t w-want to do this a-anymore,” she said, voice hitching.

“Do what?”

She shook her head.

I kissed her forehead. “Rest, my love. Lay down. I will gather our things.”

She nodded and fell back to the bed. I covered her with a thin sheet and then started packing. It didn’t take long. Jae had calmed down enough to follow my lead, and we left the inn without being stopped, and less than a half hour after the incident, we were on the road again. I knew Jae probably better than she knew herself, so I put all our packs on Ember and hoisted her to ride with me on Bridget. She had no complaints and we rode, with her curled in front of me, and my arms around her body.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

We did not stop until the sun had set and moon rose high into the skyg. There was neither a town nearby nor any shelter. The rain had stopped, but the earth was wet. I lowered Jae to the ground and she walked over to the stream. Her fingers played with the skirt, picking at it and letting it fall. I left her alone and found a relatively dry spot under a tree for our makeshift bed. I put down both saddle blankets, since they were the thickest and then softened it with our blankets and cloaks.

I watched Jae as she gathered her hair into one hand and pulled on it. A sliver of moonlight hit her neck.

“Will you cut my hair?” she whispered.

Surprised, I froze and had to swallow before answering. “If you want me to.”

“Will you still love me without it?”

“Yes.” I moved up behind her and gently moved her hand. I parted her hair into two sections, tying each with a ribbon. I braided them and tied them tightly at the end with another ribbon.

She was crying when I finished. I put my arms around her waist and held her, kissing her salty cheeks.

“Cut it off.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, just … I … I don’t want to do this anymore, Yunho.”

“Do what?” I asked, because I wanted to be clear on what she wanted and she hadn’t anwered me from before..

She struggled in my arms and I let her go. With frustrated, choppy movements, she ripped off the bodice, and pulled the dress over her head. The laces of the petticoats almost tore as she dropped each one. She gripped the shift in her hands and then paused, eyes wide, staring at me.

I smiled.

Her face fell and she turned away from me with a pained gasp.

“My love?” I questioned, going toward her.

“Cut my hair off,” she said, voice firm. “Just cut it. I don’t .. I don’t care what it looks like. Please.”

I drew my knife. “Are you—“

“Just cut it off!” she screamed. Her voice broke again.

I winced and then took one of the braids in my hand.

She covered her face, still crying, but chanting, “Do it,” softly, broken, emotional.

I twisted the length around my hand and then pressed the blade of my knife just above the ribbon where it was tied. I sawed, the hair separated under my sharp blade, tearing just like a fine tapestry.

Jae flinched, a tiny cry escaping her throat.

I quickly cut off the second braid, leaving her neck bare, and dark hair around her ears. I sheathed my knife and dropped the braids so I could hold her, but she pushed me away. I stumbled, not expecting it and she moved the few feet the bank of the stream. With a cry, she tore off the shift and then waded into the shallow stream. Her whimpers turned to sharp inhales from the cold water on skin.

Worried, I grabbed a blanket to dry her off. She moved further into the stream until the water was at her knees. Ducking low, she hissed from the cold and then ducked her head. I watched as she scrubbed her hair, her fingers going through the short lengths.

She stayed under for a long time.

Breaking the surface, she inhaled harshly, almost like a moan, and then she sagged back into the water.

After a few seconds, I dared to whisper, “Love?”

Her body froze, like she heard me, but she did not turn to me.

“The water is too cold,” I continued. “Please come out.”

“No.”

“Jae, please, it’s—“

“I don’t care. Leave me alone, just leave me alone.” Her fingers flattened the short hair where it fell against her cheeks.

“I will come in there and get you.”

She turned away from me. Her shoulder blades stuck out as she curled in on herself. The moonlight cast a heavy shadow on the ridge of her spine.

“Please, love. I don’t want you to get sick.”

Jae sighed. “I’m already sick.”

I frowned and opened my mouth and then shut it. I waited a few more minutes, and then just as I was about to pull off my boots and pull her from the water, she sighed and stood up.

In the moonlight, with her short hair and scrawny body, I once again saw a boy instead of a girl. She stumbled to the bank and fell shivering into the blanket I was holding. I quickly dried her off, pulling her toward our camp. She sat down, wrapping the blanket around her and turned away from me.

I reached for her bag to get a clean dress.

“No,” she said, voice quaking from the cold.

I met her dark eyes. Determined and frightened.

“No,” she said again. “I … burn them. I don’t want to …” She turned away, blushing.

I smiled and said. “Okay. But you have to wear something.” I yanked my bag toward me and pulled out soft underclothes and woolen breeches and a tunic.

Jae stared at the clothes like she had never seen men’s clothing before.

“Don’t watch me,” she demanded.

“Okay.” I slipped to the farthest edge of the blankets and put my back to her. My heart raced as I listened to her pull on my clothes. I had no idea what she would look like tomorrow with short hair and in men’s clothes.  
  
The blankets moved and then stilled. I waited just a few more minutes and then turned back. She was under the blankets, and her shoulders were shaking.

“Jae,” I whispered as I moved back to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jerked, but said nothing. I lay next to her and gathered her in my arms. Her short wet hair stuck to my cheek.

“I love you,” I whispered.

Her eyes shut tightly and she hid from me, burying her face in the blanket. Her body shook with tears. My heart ached, because I had no idea what to do or say to make her feel better. I kissed the only part of her head I could, ran my hands over her shoulders. Comforting whispers stuck in my throat. I didn’t know what to say to her. She eventually stopped crying, but neither one of us fell asleep for a long time.


	6. My Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am an only child. But at about twelve, a boy was forced to work for us, and then suddenly I had a sister named Minjae. I knew that Jaejoong was still in there, behind the beautiful long hair and dresses and corsets. Did I fall in love with her, my adopted sister, or in love with the boy who she used to be?

I woke up under the scrutiny of a boy, his face set with determination. I smiled, and his eyes narrowed. Black hair staggered around his face. Choppy, uneven. I needed to work on my hair cutting abilities. His pink lips thinned into a line of irritation as I said nothing and continued to stare at him.

I still saw my BooJae in his eyes and cheeks. My clothes hung off his small frame. His eyes didn’t look nearly as big with hair framing his face. I reached for him, but he jerked away from my hand.

Frowning, I said, “Jae.”

He shook his head. “Don’t.” His voice broke and he blushed, turning away.

I took the opportunity and sat up. I put my arms around him, one at his waist, the other at his chest, like I always did when I held my BooJae. He shook and tried only once to get away, and then gave up with a cry. He hid his face in his hands and his back hitched with his labored breaths. Like this, I could almost pretend he was a girl.

“Jae,” I whispered, running my fingers through short hair. But even before, I had only pretended he was a girl. It wasn’t fair to her, or to him, for me to think of him as anything but what he was. And he was a boy. A scared and confused boy.

“I’m ugly,” he said, voice so quiet.

“No, you’re not.”

“You’re a liar. I’m ugly.”

I turned him around despite his struggles. I grabbed his cheeks and made him look at me. His dark eyes were so wide with concern and anguish. “You look different, my love, but you’re still beautiful.”

His eyes shut, trickles of tears slipping down his cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumbs.

“I told you before and I will tell you again. I love you. I love who you are, whoever you choose to be. You are beautiful.” His eyes were still shut, so I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. He gripped my wrists tightly, and then jerked his head back, away from me. He gasped, eyes downcast.

“Are you hungry?” I whispered.

He nodded.

“Okay, then we’ll eat and get on the road.”

He nodded again and moved away when I let him go. He sat cross-legged, and reached for skirts that weren’t there. To cover the move, he patted his knees, and then fell back to the blanket with a sigh.

I chuckled. “You’ll get used to it.”

He made a face.

I brought him some bread and dried meat. He made another face when I stole a kiss against his cheek. I sat back with my own small breakfast and watched him eat. His movements were still delicate, his mannerisms feminine.

It was easier than I thought it was going to be to think of my BooJae as a boy instead of a girl.

“Stop staring at me,” he said.

His voice was the same, but in this short hair and different clothes, it sounded more like a young boy instead of girl.

“I like staring at you,” I replied.

He stuck out his tongue and tossed a chunk of bread at me. I caught it and tossed it back lightly. “You need to eat that.”

He turned to the side, head tilting, but he no longer had a curtain of hair to hide behind. But that also meant he wasn’t looking at me, and once again, I moved closer. He jumped when I touched his knee.

“H-hyung?”

I shut my eyes and sighed hearing him call me that. “Huh?”

“I-I may have been too hasty.”

“It’s just hair. It will grow back. If you want.”

He turned his head, putting our faces close. I wanted to kiss him again, but he wasn’t done talking yet.

“It’s not just the hair, h-h-hyung. It’s … everything. Clothes, and people and … you’ve been calling me your wife.”

“And now I’ll call you my friend.”

“W-what else … what …” He huffed, blowing long bangs out of his eyes.

I smiled and reached up and pushed the short hair off his forehead. I couldn’t help myself and pressed a kiss to his pale skin. “At the next town, we’ll buy you clothes that fit, get your hair cut—”

He threw his arms around my neck and I put my arms around his waist. Like this, with my eyes shut, he felt more like she had the night before. But I still loved my BooJae.

“Or we can cover your head with a shawl, you can wear your clothes and we continue on and you can grow your hair back.”

He tiled his head and looked at me. He was so confused, and looked almost heart broken. He shut his eyes and hugged me more tightly.

“Do you want me to be a girl?” he whispered.

I shook my head so he could feel it. “I want you to be whoever you want to be. I will still love you no matter what you decide. Do you want to be a girl?”

No,” he whispered. “N-no, I … yesterday, when he … I couldn’t stop him, Yunho, and I … I don’t want to feel helpless anymore.”

“Then you won’t. And I guess the only problem is me.”

Wary, he bit his lower lip.

I laughed and said, “I’m going to have a hard time not kissing you whenever I want.”

His cheeks turned adorably pink, like they frequently did. I turned his face to mine again and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.

“Let’s break camp and get moving.”

He grabbed my arms. “C-can I ride with you again?”

I nodded. “Of course, my love.”

We traveled through the morning. I held my BooJae tightly, I knew her brain was cascading with thoughts and fears. I did not know how to relieve her fears, so I just held her and kissed his forehead every now and then.

She … no, he fell asleep in my arms a few times. It was going to take some time to get used to that. For practice I said to myself, “his lips, his hair, his clothes, his body, his legs, his arms” everything I could think of, over and over.

It was nearing three in the afternoon when we came upon the next town. It was small with only a few inns and shops, but it was enough.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked.

Jae stayed by the horses, shifting from foot to foot. I didn’t blame him. He hadn’t been a boy around other people since he was eight years old.

He nodded.

I led the way, walking in front of him. His hands clutched my arm. A few passerby gave us odd looks. I didn’t mind too much. Jae was nervous.

We went to the barber shop first. Fortunately, the barber had no other customers. He greeted us warmly and said hello.

“What can I do for you gentleman today?”

Jae’s cheeks went red. He’d never been called that before.

“Just a couple hair cuts, sir,” I replied. “We’ve been on the road for a long time. I tried to cut his hair and destroyed it.”

“I see that. Young man, come to this chair.”

Jae looked at me with wide eyes, and at my encouraging smile, he slid off the chair. The barber stood next to a chair and Jae sat, hunched over.

“No, no, sit up straight.”

Jae did, head up.

The barber took his chin and turned his head back and forth. “Hm, very soft features for a boy, but still masculine enough. You haven’t started shaving yet, but don’t worry, boy. You’ll grow into yourself.”

The barber started cutting, and Jae winced with every snap of the sheers.

“How old are you, anyway?”

“F-fifteen,” Jae stammered.

“Much too skinny for your age. Isn’t your hyung taking care of you?”

“He takes care of me all the time,” Jae said, very defensive. His voice cracked again.

“He was sick,” I put in quickly. “At a young age. From eight to eleven, he pretty much stayed in bed.”

“That explains it,” the barber said. “You need to be out in the sun, running through fields and climbing trees. Work your muscles back into shape.”

“I do,” Jae said hotly.

I chuckled. “It’s a sensitive subject, sir.”

The barber smiled. “I see that.”

He finished Jae’s hair pretty quickly. It was so short, above his ears and off his neck. Jae stared at himself in the mirror for a long time.

“It suits you,” the barber said.

The corner of his lips turned in a smile. “I-I like it.”

“Good, now it’s your hyung’s turn.”

I watched Jae while the barber cut my hair. He stood in front of the mirror near the door and touched his face and his hair and his neck. It’d been a very long time since he’d last seen those without a curtain of hair to pull away.

After our haircuts, I left Jae in the hands of the local tailor, and I went to the dress shop to sell all of his old clothes. I made up a story of our sister passing away and no longer needing the clothes. The women in the shop were very understanding and a few touched my arm or my side in a way that would have made Jaejoong mad.

I went back to the tailor’s and saw a boy outside the shop that I barely recognized. He wore pants that fit him and a tunic that dropped to his mid-thigh. He wrung a hat around and around in his hands while looking at the people passing by him.

Jae was still pretty. It’s like the barber had said, his features were soft and feminine. I knew that he’d grow into his big eyes and his cheeks soon. Given the proper exercise and food, he’d be strong and tall.

But he was still my BooJae. He would always be my BooJae.

He saw me staring, smiled and then ducked his head and blushed.

“You ready to go?” I asked as I walked up to him.

“We’re not staying here?”

“No. We’ve told too many lies to all these people to keep them straight. We’ll sleep on the road if we have to.”

“Okay.”

Before leaving the town, I bought a few more supplies of food and a couple of extra blankets, just in case we did end up sleeping on the road. Jae rode Ember for a few hours. He pulled his horse up to mine and then held out his hand. I didn’t think it was a smart idea for him to ride with me looking like a boy, but I could deny him nothing. I gripped under his arm and pulled him over to my saddle. Ember kept pace for a moment and then moved behind us, following the lead rope I attached to the saddle horn.

I held him tightly, and we traveled in silence as the sun set around us.

“Do you still like me?” Jae whispered.

I chuckled. “Yes. I still like you. I love you, Jaejoong.”

His body stiffened at the name, but he nodded. “I-I hope so.”

“How many times do I have to say that I love you for you, not for what you look like?”

“I know.” He turned his head up, and I looked down at him. He smiled and then bit his lower lip. “Will you teach me to defend myself?”

“You just want an excuse to beat me up, admit it.”

He laughed and tightened his hold on me. “Hyung!”

I shivered and bent down and quickly kissed him. “I love hearing you call me that.”

“Are we sleeping under a tree again?”

“Probably. Unless you want to travel until we get to another town.”

“No. I’m—“ Jae broke off and yawned.

I smiled and kissed him again.

An hour or so later, he was asleep in my arms. We came to a bridge. I pulled the horses to the side and traveled along the river. There was a grassy bluff overlooking a bend in the river. Tall, leafy oak trees provided a makeshift shelter. I woke Jae up.

He jerked like I had stabbed him. His breath gasped in the quiet of the night. “H-hyung?’

“We’re stopping for the night, love.”

Jaejoong swallowed and then nodded.

“You all right?”

“J-just a nightmare.”

I helped him slide from the horse. He stumbled and grabbed at his pants like he was trying to grab skirts to keep them up. With nothing there, he lost his balance and then fell to a knee with a small cry. I dropped to the ground. But before I could get there, he was already on his feet.

He avoided my arm and went to Ember. There was a determined glint to his face as he removed the packs. I watched, not moving to help until he came to the heaviest one.

“Hyung, I can …”

“Just let me get this one,” I said, lifting it off.

He frowned at me, but continued. I had always taken care of the horses when we stopped, removed their saddles and rubbed them down. He looked unsure on what to do next. Since Ember was his horse, I let Jaejoong alone and moved back to Bridget. Aware of Jaejoong watching, I removed her saddle, making sure Jaejoong saw how to release the notch. Jaejoong huffed under the weight of his saddle and almost fell over when he put it on the ground.

“We’ll use the saddle blankets for bedding again,” I said. “The ground is still a little wet.” I whipped the blanket out a few times and then moved to a flat stretch of ground. I laid it down. Jaejoong put his next to it. He didn’t quite get if flat, taking three times before it matched mine.

I opened a saddle bag and handed Jaejoong a rag. I showed him how to wipe the horse down, careful of the legs, lifting to make sure there were no stones in their hooves. When we were done, I pulled out our bedding and laid it on the makeshift bed.

“Hy-hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“I … I’m … I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, Jaejoong. Don’t go too far.”

He nodded and slipped away into the darkness of the trees. Probably to relieve himself. I lay on the blankets. There was tension between us. I didn’t quite understand it.

Jaejoong returned shortly. He saw me already in bed and stopped. He bit his lower lip, took a deep breath and then moved over to me. He sat on his side, ran his hands over the blankets and then looked at me. I propped up on an elbow and smiled at him. But when I reached for him, he flinched. I let my hand fall and frowned.

“I-I’m sorry, hyung. I …”

“It’s okay.”

He made a face. “Can’t you get mad at me at all?”

I laughed. “Impossible, my love. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, but … I … don’t … I want …” He looked so confused. “I feel so strange. I … can I still …” He waved his hands at me.

“Yes,” I said, and pulled him toward me. He resisted for only a moment, and then settled in my arms. “Yes, you can still hold me, I can still hold you. You can still touch me and kiss me and play with me. I want you to do all of that, Jaejoong. If you’re not comfortable with it right now, that’s okay, too. You need to get used to being a boy.”

We settled together, and his face pressed against my chest.

“Let’s try to sleep,” I whispered.

He nodded. “O-okay.”


	7. My Brother

I woke up a few hours later. It was dark, and the only sound came from the quiet gurgle of the river. Stars burned brightly in the absence of the moon.

Fingers rubbed along my skin, under my shirt. I reached up and caught Jae’s wrist. Still half asleep, I touched the soft smooth skin of a face, hand sliding back. My fingers hit short hair and I jerked my hand back.

Jae made a distressed noise and tried to pull away.

“I-I’m sorry,” Jae said.

I sat up and pulled him against me. “Jae, come on. I’m sorry,” I said, running my hands through his hair. “If you need time to get used to you not having long hair, then so do I. Especially when I’m half asleep.”

He bit his lower lip.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Can’t.”

I frowned. “Are you—“

He sighed and pushed me away. “I’m fine, hyung.”

I thought of pressing the issue and decided now wasn’t the best time. I lay back down and put my hand on his lower back, fingers splayed. He looked over his shoulder at me, turning only a little, and then slid away from my touch.

“Jaejoong,” I said, concerned.

“I’m fine,” he said again and stood up. As he walked into the dark, I told him not to go too far, and he didn’t reply and disappeared.

I fought the urge to go after him. I had to remind myself that this is who Jaejoong wanted to be, who he chose to be. He was no longer playing the part of a frail girl in need of protection. He was not the younger sister, or the younger brother. He was a young man, and that’s what I needed to treat him like.

I sat up again and rubbed my face in my hands. My heart ached for him.

I knew I would not go back to sleep, so I built a fire and cooked a small breakfast of bread and dried meat and boiled eggs. Jaejoong did not return by the time it was done; I left his out, waiting for him.

With nothing else to do, I went through some exercises and some hand-to-hand fighting techniques I could teach Jaejoong when he was ready.

The sky turned pink with dawn before Jaejoong returned. His eyes were red and cheeks tear-stained. It hurt, knowing that he’d rather cry alone than let me hold him. I pointed at his breakfast and he swallowed, nodded and sat down to eat it. He didn’t talk to me as we broke camp. I showed him how to saddle his horse and make the stubborn gelding take the bit even though he constantly tossed his head.

Jaejoong sagged in his saddle, eyes drooping, but he refused to fall asleep. After eating lunch, he went to the bed of the small creek and dug the toe of his boot into the soft earth.

“I need to know what you want to do,” I said carefully.

He flinched, but didn’t turn around to face me.

“I’ve been thinking,” I continued, “about you. About who you are and where you’re from. I’ve been selfish again, my love. I never thought of you having a home since you’re such a huge part of my life. I had forgotten that you used to be someone else’s son. Someone else’s love and joy. Where is your home?”

He lifted a shoulder. “I don’t have one.”

“Everyone has—“

“My mother died when I was six, my father left me to my own devices shortly after that. I don’t have a home.”

I sat on the ground hard. Hard enough that I made a noise and Jaejoong turned and looked at me.

“What?” he asked.

I didn’t know how to explain to him the equal parts guilt, shame and need coursing through me.

Jaejoong walked over to me and sat right in my lap. It startled me, and I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist to keep him from falling. It felt odd, having him straddling me like this and no skirts in the way.

“Hyung?”

I looked up at him.

He sort of smiled and said, “You’re kind of stupid. I don’t want to leave you, hyung. Even if I had somewhere else to go. I just remember being hit a lot, and being yelled at. I guess being raised that way made dealing with your father easier.”

I hugged him tightly to me and whispered an apology.

“Why?” Jaejoong asked, tilting his head. The expression looked foreign on his face, odd without the curls of hair around his chin.

“I’ve been selfish, my darling,” I whispered, brushing his cheek. “What happened to you, love?”

He shrugged and said, “The last time I saw my dad, he said my mom was little more than whore, and then he left, and I was alone. I don’t remember a lot, and he was always drunk. When your father took me, at first, I considered myself lucky that I had somewhere to live where I didn’t starve.”

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry.”

“You need to stop apologizing,” he said and buried his face in my neck. I held him tightly, and for a long time. He slowly went limp in my arms, and I let him sleep.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

After that, we traveled east, until we came to the coast. We stopped in a small fishing village for food and supplies and to sleep on dry warm beds. It was odd to order a room with two beds, even though Jaejoong did not sleep in it.

“So I’m your brother now,” Jaejoong said from the wood floor. I started teaching him exercises: sit ups, pushups, stretches and leg lifts. He gave up quickly, muscles not used to it, and I smiled and completed the training.

“Better than my sister, right?”

He snorted and looked at me upside down. “Hyung?”

“What?”

“I like it here. Malinda is nice.”

“Me, too.”

“Do we have to keep traveling?”

I lowered my arms from the stretch and looked down at him. “You’re tired of traveling?”

“Not really, it’s just … if we keep doing this, we’ll eventually run out of money. Shouldn’t we find a place to stay?”

I sat next to him, and he flinched when I put my hand on his stomach. He didn’t tell me to move it, so I didn’t. We both only wore breeches and loose undershirts.

“It’s a nice town,” Jaejoong said again. “And the people have been really friendly, and it’s far away from your father and—”

I smiled and said, “Okay. Tomorrow after breakfast I’ll ask Dongwoon if there is job for me somewhere.”

Jaejoong yawned.

“You’re not sleeping enough,” I said, worried.

He shrugged. “Can’t sleep.”

I took his hand and stood up and pulled him to his feet. “Then let’s sleep.”

“It’s still early, hyung,” he protested as I dragged him to a bed.

“Then we won’t sleep,” I said and sat down.

He blushed but let me pull him between my legs. “W-we—“

Jaejoong had been reluctant since transforming back to the boy he was. I didn’t blame him, but I was getting impatient.

I ran my hands up his sides, and his eyes shut. He draped his arms around my neck and shook his head. I tried not to sigh, but continued and wrapped him up in a hug. His body trembled slightly.

“It’ll make you sleep better,” I said, teasing.

Jaejoong snorted and looked down at me. “You’re just horny.”

“Yes, but I won’t pressure you, love. I want you to be comfortable.”

He pushed at my shoulders and I lay back on the bed. He stayed between my legs and lifted his shirt over his head. I inhaled sharply. Pink spread down his neck and chest. His skin pebbled and those pale nipples hardened. I wanted to touch him, but I kept my hands to myself, clenched at my sides. He loosened his breeches and the rest of his clothes fell to the floor with a whispered hiss.

I smiled and he met my eyes, blush deepening. I held out my hand, and he took it and let me pull him up to the bed. He crawled over me, knees on either side of my stomach. Our lips touched for a shaking moment, and then he abruptly rolled away.

I shut my eyes, but did not sigh in disappointment like I wanted to.

Fingers ran through my hair. I tilted my head up to look at him.

“You’re mad at me.”

“No, I’m not.”

He rolled his eyes and turned on his side, facing away from me. I shifted behind him, spooning his body against mine. He sighed and pressed back, and did not protest when I trailed my fingers around his hip. I wondered if he’d feel more comfortable in the dark.

I turned and blew out the candles on the bedside. One still burned across the room, but its glow barely reached the bed. I held him close and fought with the blankets until we were under them.

Jaejoong was shaking again, but it was different. His erection jerked against my hand. I didn’t grab him, like I wanted to. I kissed him, slowly, starting at the bottom of his short hair. I left impressions of warmth along his skin, just below his ear, down his neck and to his shoulder. He sighed harshly, impatiently. He grabbed my wrist and pressed my hand to his erection.

“Hyung,” he whispered, begging.

I took him in my hand, slow and even. I kept my mouth on his skin and rocked against his body. Pleasure and need were making it difficult to think, but I didn’t want to force it and rush him. This was about him, not me, and I wanted him relaxed and pleasured.

Jaejoong’s breaths turned to whimpers, his gasps to moans. His dick pulsed in my hand and I tightened my grip just a little. With a quick twist, my palm slipped over the head, gathering precome before sliding back down. He shuddered. His hand lifted and wrapped around my neck. His head tilted back. I took the offering of his kiss and pulled him faster. He shuddered, body tensing, and then jerking. I twisted him again so he wouldn’t come on the bed. He pulled away from my lips and cried out, voice breaking as he splattered come all over his stomach.

I smiled against his neck, holding him through the aftershocks, until his body went lax with a deep breath. He eyes fluttered open, he smiled and I kissed him softly.

I wasn’t surprised when he fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t want to get up, but I had to. I used my shirt to clean us up and then moved across the room and blew out the last candle. I was hard as a rock, but Jaejoong was still asleep. I thought of stroking off, and decided not to. I climbed back into bed and pulled his body against mine.

I tossed and turned for most of the night, but eventually, I fell asleep.

I woke up with a moan, eyes trying to open. Slick hot pleasure coursed through me, and wet heat closed around my cock. My vision blurred, but not so much that I couldn’t see Jaejoong’s amused glance, lips spread wide around my erection.

Jaejoong pulled up far enough to whisper, “Good morning, hyung,” into the pliant head, and then went back to work. His hand slipped over the base, up the shaft until it hit his lips, and then moved, farther, deeper and I gasped.

I grabbed his hair, fingers trying to grip the short lengths. My legs spread, my hips rose. He hummed in encouragement, but I didn’t need anything else. As soon as his nose nestled against my stomach, I was coming with a whimper, gasping out my pleasure and shooting my release into his mouth and throat.

I felt him gag on it, but he swallowed and sucked around the crown lightly before letting me go. Naked and beautiful he climbed up my body and pressed his mouth to mine. Salty tangy come filled my mouth and moaned, kissing him and sharing with him. I wrapped my arms around his body and lowered him to the bed. He smiled, hands on my bare chest and let me press kisses to his face and neck.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yes, but I’m hungry now.”

I slid my hand down his body. “Hungry for ….”

“Food.”

“And all I need is you.”

“You’re so corny sometimes,” he said, making a horrible effort to push me away.

I laughed and kissed him until my stomach reminded me that it could not survive on kisses.

Once we were both properly dressed and cleaned up, we headed downstairs for breakfast. The inn was already alive with activity, and I realized how late in the morning it was.

“Good morning, Yunho-shi, Jaejoong-shi,” Malinda said. “We were wondering if you two would wake up any time soon.”

“Our apologies,” I said and bowed. “The beds were too comfortable to get out of.”

Malinda smiled and headed back to the kitchen. Jaejoong and I sat on a table near the front door. Dongwoon brought us coffee and warm rolls.

“Thank you, Dongwoon-shi,” I said. “I have a question for you. Jaejoong and I have been traveling for a while now, and we are hoping to find work and settle down someplace. Do you know if there’s any work available here in Mokpo?”

Dongwoon nodded. “You can always ask around the docks. Spare hands are necessary during this time of the year. You educated?”

“I am. I have my documentation and my letters up in my room.”

“You might want to stop by the town hall, then. They may need a clerk.”

“Thank you. I’ll do that today.”

Malinda brought out steaming plates of meat and potatoes and gravy.

“You don’t mind if we stay for a few days?” I said.

“Of course not,” Malinda said.

“We’ll negotiate a discount if you’d like to stay for more than a week,” Dongwoon added.

I looked at Jaejoong and he smiled around a mouth full of food and nodded.

“Good. We’ll stay for at least a week then.”


	8. My Husband

**Nine Months Later**

_Dear Mother,  
I know it has been months since my last letter, and I’m sure you are sick with worry. I hope this letter finds you well.  
Jaejoong and I are fine. We have settled South, in a town called Mokpo. It is a beautiful fishing village with very nice people. Jaejoong was hired on by a fisherman to help on his boat. He gets seasick sometime, but otherwise he is doing well.  
I am an apprentice school teacher. The school master here is getting old and wants to have someone to take over just in case he dies. Thanks to the education I received, I was accepted for the position immediately. I enjoy it. With this town, there are very few students. The older children are very smart, and a few have aspirations to study at an academy.  
The construction on our own home finished last month, and we are happy to have a place of our own during the colder winter. It’s a modest home with two bedrooms and an attached bathing room. It’s on a small parcel of land, and Jaejoong and I haven’t decided if we’re going to cultivate it come spring or not.  
The weather here is--_

“What are you writing?” Jaejoong asked, draping his arms over my shoulders. He pressed a kiss to my cheek.

“A letter to my mother.”

“Oh. Should you tell her where we are?” he asked, pointing to the passage.

“It’s okay. It would take them weeks to get here, Jaejoong. Remember how long it took us?”

He didn’t look convinced, and I kissed his pout away. “Don’t worry, darling. What are they going to do? What can they do? It’s not like my father can claim kidnapping. We did nothing wrong. He did. It’d be foolish to try to make you go back to that.”

“I know, but I still—“

I grabbed his chin and forced a kiss to his mouth. “You think I’d let him take you so easily?”

“He’s your father,” Jaejoong muttered.

It still hurt to hear that Jaejoong doubted my love for him. “I will never let you feel like that again, my love.”

Jaejoong smiled and nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. He let me kiss him one more time, and then said, “Malinda is exhausted because of her pregnancy. I thought I’d help her out at the inn since fishing is slow.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“I didn’t … I wanted to have a reason why I know so much though, and I couldn’t think of one.”

Yunho smiled and said, “We told them our sister died, right?”

Jaejoong nodded.

“There you go. You had to help with the house while I finished school. Neither is an entire lie.”

“I hate lying to them, hyung.”

“Me, too. Let’s go tell them that we’re lovers.”

“I hate dealing with your stupidity, hyung.”

I laughed and kissed his cheek.

He made a face that was half a smile. “I wish we had gotten married while I was still MinJae. We could have made it legal.”

“And waved a piece of paper around for proof to everyone?”

“Well, no, but …”

I touched his cheek. “I don’t want you as my wife, Jaejoong. I want you as my husband. And I think of you as my husband.”

He smiled and let me hug him. “Will you come to the inn for dinner?”

I nodded. “Let me finish this letter.”

He kissed my cheek and bid me farewell.

I sighed in happiness and shut my eyes for a moment before finishing the letter to my mother.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~

A fire burned in the hearth and the glow from the flames flickered over Jaejoong’s thoughtful face. I leaned on the couch, legs open, and he sat between them. I ran my hands over his shoulders and to his chest, pulling him closer. He smiled and tilted his head back. Our lips met and then Jaejoong pulled away.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Jaejoong shrugged. “Are you happy, hyung?”

“Yes. Aren’t you?”

“Yes. But …”

“But what?”

Jaejoong squirmed and I let him go enough so he could turn around. He kneeled between my legs, hands on my chest. “You … I … I want to please you.”

“You do,” I said and touched fingers to his cheek.

He jerked away with an irritated noise. “No. I … I want …” He bit his lower lip and crawled over me. Knees on each side of my hips.

My breath caught, but my body adjusted, slipping down the couch. Jaejoong sat, eyes nervous and determined. “I want to please you.”

I cupped his cheek again, and this time he let me, leaning into the touch. I wanted to protest, but only for worry for him. My dick was already hard.

“Please,” Jaejoong whispered.

To me, this felt sudden. We did not talk about sex, but pleasured each other as we always had. I knew it was possible, sex with another man, but there was no way I was going to force Jaejoong into it.

“Please,” he said again, voice bordering on panic.

“Jaejoong, I—“

He shook his head, eyes shutting. A tear dripped down his cheek. “Please, I don’t … I want to feel you. Not …”

I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him flush, cradling him as a sudden tumult of tears shook his body.

“Not him, anymore, please, Yunho, please.”

“Not who?” I asked, lips against his hair.

“Please, just—“

“Did my father rape you?” I asked, already half knowing the answer. It was something I thought about a lot when it came to Jaejoong. And when his body froze, I knew I was right. I lifted his face and wiped at his tears. “Tell me.”

Jaejoong shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, just you. I want just … the feeling of you. Not …”

I nodded, stalling his muttering. “Okay, love.”

Jaejoong jumped off me faster than I could comprehend. His footsteps pounded up the stairs to our upper bedroom. I wondered for a moment if I should follow, and then he was back, the jar of scented oil in his hands.

I smiled and he let me draw him back into my lap. Our lips met and I kissed him slowly. He was shaking, and it was so hard to keep going. I hated causing Jaejoong any distress. I pulled away and made him look at me. “You don’t want this.”

He flinched, like I slapped him and then yanked his face out of my hands. He straddled my body again and crossed his arms. “I don’t want this? I’m the one that brought it up. You’re the one who won’t go further, won’t talk about it, won’t—“

“I don’t want you to force yourself.”

“You don’t want me to feel like you’re forcing me.”

I thought about that, and then nodded. “Yes, that, too.”

“Well, you’re not forcing me, but I’m about to force you.” His hands fell to my breeches, easily unlacing them.

“Jaejoong.”

“Shut up. This is … I want this. Just …”

“Okay, Okay,” I said with a chuckle. I sat up and pulled us flush. I kissed him over and over until he wasn’t shaking anymore. “Okay. But don’t be angry at me. I’ve only been trying to think of you.”

“I know, and if I wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t be ready to rip your clothes off.”

I smiled again. “If we’re going to do this, then we’re doing it my way.”

“If?” Jaejoong challenged, eyebrow raised.

I laughed and nodded. “Let me up for a moment.” He moved and I stood up.

He grabbed my hand. “You’re not going to run way?”

I shook my head and quickly pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Ten seconds.”

“One, two, three—“ I pressed our lips together and finished counting to ten in my head. I pulled away with a chuckle, leaving him slightly dazed. This time, it was my turn to run up to the room. I pulled the heavy winter blanket off our bed and a few pillows. At the last moment, I took off my tunic and left it hanging on the bedpost. Speed things along a little bit.

I went back down the stairs and almost tripped.

Jaejoong was naked, lounging on the couch. His body was gorgeous, and just as I knew it would be so many months ago. He still had a long way to go, but he was no longer the frail boy who I ran away with. Through the work on the docks and building our house, as well as our training sessions, he’d developed and strengthened strong shoulders and arms. His waist stayed tiny, muscled abs rippling down his torso, a perfect V pointing to his hard erection. He held himself loosely, slow strokes up and down. His eyes were shut, mouth open slightly.

I shot a look at the door. The wooden bar was in place, keeping intruders out.

I hurried into the room, and Jaejoong looked at me with an innocent look that made my skin heat. Quickly, I laid the blanket out and tossed the pillows to the floor. I kneeled and he smirked, but didn’t move. I whimpered and held out my hand. He practically melted to the floor. He crawled to me, body almost feline. Even the smile on his face was predatory.

My hand stayed outstretched. His lips closed around my fingertips, sucking lightly.

“Fuck,” I gasped and if my cock hadn’t been rock hard before, it was now.

Jaejoong sucked two fingers into his mouth. His tongue pushed between them and he licked at the skin.

“Jaejoong,” I whispered, begging.

His eyes shut and he ignored me, sucking until spit dripped to the blanket. I used my other hand to loosen my breeches, relieving some of pressure, but increasing the need. I was close to being naked, naked with my lover, with my beautiful Jaejoong.

Jaejoong released my fingers, and still without looking at me, he turned, lowered his face to the floor and ass in the air. I stared at his creamy skin. His thighs shivered. The curves of his ass gleamed with each flicker of flame. He … he’d already …

“Oh, god.”

Jaejoong’s knees spread, and my eyes dropped to the line of his inner thigh where his balls hung heavy. I licked my lips.

“Oppa.”

My gaze snapped to his, mouth closing into a frown. He hadn’t called me oppa since … I couldn’t remember.

Jaejoong smirked. “Now that I have your attention, come on. Touch me, hyung.”

I shook my head with a small smile and moved the couple of inches forward. One hand covered a pale mound of ass, and the fingers of the other slipped over his slick skin. His eyes fluttered shut and he moaned, tensing and shivering when my fingertips brushed his entrance.

“Hyung, please.”

I met his eyes again.

He pushed up on his hands and lowered his ass with a sigh.

“Love?”

He shook his head and turned around. I didn’t have time to question him and he pushed me down, backwards and I landed, stunned on my back. He crawled over me.

“I know you’re worried about me, because you’re just like that and you always have been, and I love you for it and in spite of it, but right now, I don’t want tender. I don’t need you to be worried about me. I’ve been waiting for you to touch me and waiting for you to want me for months. But you never go further, you just stop and I want you inside me, hyung.”

I licked my lips again. But had nothing coherent to say. How could I after something like that? My thoughts were racing. Jaejoong was only sixteen. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t know what he was asking. I wanted him to be comfortable. I didn’t want him to think I expected him to—

Slick fingers wrapped around my dick. I tilted my head back, moaning as Jaejoong stroked me.

“I know you love me, hyung, you tell me eighteen times a day. I know you’re worried about me. But think. The only times … I … I don’t want to remember what he did to me. I don’t want my only thoughts of sex to be of him.”

His grip tightened, and warm slick heat swiped over the head of my cock. I had just a few seconds to figure out what he was doing, and then that warm slick heat turned tight rough and clenching. I cried out, and he echoed me. My hands flew to his hips, trying to slow him, but his hands pressed on my chest. Shaking and with eyes shut tight, he lowered himself, body giving reluctantly. His chest hitched with heavy breaths, face slightly contorted. I doubted it felt good. For him.

For me, I was in agony. I’d never felt anything so tight, so intense or so amazing. He sat and stayed, not moving and I moaned and did my best not to lift my hips. Not that it mattered. His muscles clenched with every one of his short breaths.

“Fuck, Jaejoong. Why … the …” I couldn’t talk. My fingers tightened on his waist and I lifted him, just a little, but enough. My hips followed and I slid out of him for a moment and then pushed back in. A single whimper of pain echoed in my brain, but my lust and need overpowered my worry. I bent my knees, giving me more leverage, and I did it again, holding him still while my hips rose and fell quickly. There was no way I was going to last long, and I didn’t, my orgasm whipped through me and I cried out, pumping him with waves of come. My erection slid easier inside him, but I could no longer move.

I fell boneless to the blanket and Jaejoong collapsed on top of me. It took a few moments for me to realize that he was shaking, and I lifted heavy arms to wrap around him. Gingerly, I rotated my hips and my cock slipped from him.

“Sorry, love.”

He turned his head up and smiled. It was pained, but it was a smile. “Don’t be. Now maybe you won’t be so reluctant.”

“I only worried about you, my beauty.”

Jaejoong nodded. “Don’t worry about me anymore. I’m okay. You make everything okay.”

I hugged him tightly for a long time. He shivered and I grabbed the edges of the blanket and rolled it around us. He fell asleep and I stayed awake for a long time, staring at the dying fire and thinking of my darling.

I woke up much the same way as I did many mornings: with Jaejoong pleasuring me. But I was confused. His mouth was laying kisses down my neck, but there was still an insane tightening on my cock, a slick moan of pleasure coiling through me.

“Mm, Jae-ah. Love.”

Lips trailed higher, up my jaw and then to my lips. He panted into my mouth.

“Morning, hyung,” he whispered, rocking his hips.

“M-mo-morning.”

After one more kiss, Jaejoong put his hands on my chest and pushed up. His head flung back, lower lip between his teeth. His hips rose and fell. I tried to focus on the image of my cock disappearing, but my vision was too blurred with pleasure.

But not so blurred that I couldn’t see his half-hard erection bouncing.

I took a hand off his hip and curled my fingers around him. His rhythm faltered. His eyes flew open and he whimpered, shuddering and stopping. His elbows bent and he almost felt. I held him up and stroked a little faster. I clenched my hips, enough to cause my dick to move inside him, but not a thrust. His breaths came out in whimpers, and his body trembled.

“Hyung, please, please.”

I trailed my hand up his body, cupped his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. I couldn’t move, but didn’t have to. He rose, up and down, quick, just once, and then again. A few more and we found a rhythm. But it was short lasting.

Jaejoong suddenly froze. His mouth opened and then closed on my shoulder. He bit down hard as his body was wracked with spasms. I couldn’t stroke him at that angle, but I didn’t need to. He jerked forward, fucking my hand and my eyes shut as his body pulsated around me. Warmth splattered up on my chest and I moaned as the sudden tightness ripped my orgasm from me.

Our gasping breathes echoed through our home. He moaned and shifted his hips. It almost felt like his body refused to let me go, but I slipped from him with an obscene squelch. He curled up against my side, lips warm and breath hot on my skin.

“I love you, hyung.”

I tightened my hold on his arm and kissed his forehead. “I love you, too, BooJae.”

Jaejoong looked at me carefully.

“What?”

“You haven’t called me that for a long time.”

“You haven’t called me oppa for a long time.”

“I called you that to make a point.”

“And I called you BooJae to make a point.”

“What point is that?”

I smiled and ran my finger over his cheek. “It’s my name for you. That no matter what happens, no matter who you become or what you want to be, you’ll always be my BooJae. Everyone else gets to call you Jaejoong and before everyone else called you MinJae, but you’re my BooJae.”

He still looked pensive, so I pressed a kiss to his lips. “I won’t call you that if you don’t want me to.”

“No, it’s okay. I … I like being yours.”

We kissed again, and then Jaejoong took a deep breath and pushed up. “Come on. We have to get to Dongwoon’s and Malinda’s.”

“Why?”

“Because I may or may not have heard Malinda talking to the blacksmith’s daughter Isabel about how a certain young eligible bachelor was way beyond the age of marrying and how he always comes into the inn for coffee and how she should come in the morning too and try to talk to him, and I like watching you squirm under their attention.”

I stayed on the floor and put my hands behind my head. The first two steps he took were unsteady.

He looked down at me and crossed his arms. “Well?”

I smiled. “Or you could throw another log on the fire and come back here and make me hot.”

Jaejoong’s gaze darkened and he swept that lusty look up and down my body. He stopped on my erection, and smirked when it twitched under the attention. “My back hurts. I’m going up to bed. Are you going to be lazy or are you going to join me?”

He turned before I could respond and headed up the stairs, still beautifully naked. I moaned and rolled over. It took a bit of energy for me to stand up. I gathered up the blankets and pillows and headed up to our room.

Jaejoong lay on his stomach with his head pillowed on his arms. His eyes were shut and he had a small smile on his face. I moved through the room and climbed over him slowly, smiling as I left kisses up his bare back. He was so beautiful, and in that moment, I reaffirmed what I knew when we first kissed: I would do anything to make him happy.

~~♥~~♥~~♥~~


End file.
